I often find myself helping women undo guilt and shame. These women’s stories of addiction are traumatic in terms of their personal pain and the damage done to relationships with loved ones, especially children.
Bad things happen when mothers, wives, sisters and dear
friends begin to choose their drug of choice over important relationships. This
process of demoralization happens over time until the addicts are no longer themselves,
and their loved ones wonder how this person went from being a giver to a
selfish taker. The children feel often feel abandoned and blame themselves for
their parent’s lack of care.
Addiction is selfish. There’s no need to sugarcoat it.
Whether someone considers addiction a disease, a weakness or a sin, the end
result is the same. It becomes all about the needs, desires, cravings and
emotions of the person who is obsessed with alcohol and/or drugs. In this
single-focused state of mind, women make a lot of decisions that are not in the
best interest of those they love. In truth, they manipulate and take advantage
of families and friends, break ties with concerned friends, and put their
children at risk or abandon them altogether.
I recently counseled a young mother who had been clean and
sober a few months. (We’ll call her Karen for the sake of this article.) Our
session started with Karen being angry at certain family members who she claimed
had control over her two children. Our conversation then moved on to Karen's
frustration with a case worker at the county’s family services division, who
she said was making her “jump through too many hoops.”
I allowed Karen to vent and acknowledged her anger and
frustration. After all, her feelings were real. But then I asked her to take a
minute to think about and describe the real emotions at work. “Everyone makes
me feel like crap. I’m trying to get my life together and all they do is bring
up my past.”
“Are they making you feel like crap, or do you just feel
like crap?” I asked.
Karen paused before answering. “I feel like crap. They just
confirm that I am a piece of crap.”
Her answer didn’t surprise me. I’ve been there, and have
worked with many women coming out of addictions who judge themselves more
harshly than anyone else. This shows how guilt and shame hide behind other
emotions while playing a major role in preventing true recovery from happening.
True recovery from addictions is much more than the act of
getting clean and sober. It’s coming to a place of peace regardless of the
past. It’s allowing the truth to be told, no matter how painful it is to hear.
It’s looking in the mirror and admitting mistakes, then taking responsibility
to turn things around. It’s working as hard on getting things right as the
addict worked to get high.
After several counseling sessions with Karen, she began to
be accountable for her actions and to partner with the family members who had
temporary custody of her children. She met with her case worker and agreed to
jump through every hoop handed to her. Most importantly, Karen forgave herself
for having cared more about the drugs than she did her own children. As a result,
she overcame guilt and shame, which set Karen on a course to true recovery. She
is now regaining the trust of her loved ones and will soon regain custody of
her children. The goal is to get a fresh start and live a life of integrity.
Every woman who has ever been addicted has regrets. I have
mine, for sure. But I use my regrets to help other women see the value in
getting honest with themselves. From a Christian perspective, this is bringing
all the dark parts of our hearts to the light. It’s not allowing the enemy of
our soul to keep us bound up with guilt, and instead allowing repentance to do
its purifying work. This is how we gracefully deal with the consequences of
addiction.
If you or someone you love is addicted, or coming out of
addictions, you can visit our Christian recovery website at http://www.thesolidrockroad.com. You
can also follow me on twitter @solidrockroad, or find The Solid Rock Road onFacebook. I also co-wrote a recovery book titled “Follow The Solid Rock Road:Pathway to Radical Recovery, which is on Amazon.com.
