Christian Intervention: How to Overcome Co-Dependency

Many Christians with loved ones struggling with addiction want to have faith, but instead, they are sick with worry. This worry becomes sin, and like all sin, it grows and takes on a life of its own until the loved one of the addict is consumed by it. Once consumed, the loved one is fully engaged in enabling and co-dependent behaviors, resulting in a cycle of insanity that’s nearly as dangerous as the addict’s.

Loved ones who have become enablers and co-dependents become highly emotional and extremely confused. They are emotional because they carry the burden of the addict and are entangled in their chaos. Loved ones believe it is their duty to fix the problem and to save the addicts from themselves. They are confused because of the lies they are constantly told and the schemes the addict makes them part of. As a result, the loved one is desperate and carries a heavy weight of guilt and fear.

Parents and spouses of addicts suffer from guilt in relation to their loved ones. This is true for those parents who have a personal history of addiction, and even parents who have raised their children in the church. It’s true for spouses who once partied with the addict, and it’s the case for the Christian spouse who has never tasted alcohol or tried drugs. In other words, guilt doesn’t play favorites.

Guilt is defined as “a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.” It’s no wonder the addict and the devil use guilt to manipulate and entangle God’s people. A few examples of real and perceived guilt by the loved ones of addicts include the following:

·         A single mother regrets not having a father in the life of her child. The addict works on the sympathies of the mother, who then tends to make excuses for the addict’s behavior.

·         A wife feels as though she could have done more for her addicted husband. The husband makes sure his wife feels like she was too much of a nag, too focused on the children, a bad house keeper, unable to satisfy his needs and so on.

·         A husband believes he has failed his wife because he has been unable to fix her addiction problem. The wife piles on the guilt with all the different ways he has failed her as a husband -- Not spiritual enough, loving enough, manly enough, financially stable enough and unable to understand her.

Addicts are notorious for making their loved ones believe they aren’t doing enough when they are actually doing too much. This kind of manipulation results in the loved one accepting the guilt, carrying the burdens, and doing more than they should. Thus, the never-ending cycle begins and keeps going as the addict takes and takes and takes, while the loved one gives and gives and gives.

Fear is another emotion that drives the loved ones of addicts. They are fearful that their loved ones will lose their jobs, lose their families, become homeless, have accidents, overdose or die. While these fears are well-founded based on the dangerous activities and self-destructive habits of an addict, fear should not be allowed to control the choices and behaviors of the loved ones.

Addicts understand how fearful their loved ones are and become experts at using fear to get what they want, which is their drug of choice. For example, the addict will ask for money, the loved one says no, so the addict says that if they don’t get the money, they will be homeless, they won’t have food for their family, they won’t have gas to get to work and will lose their job, and so on. Since the addicts know what the loved one is most concerned about, they will use it to their advantage.

How to stop the cycle of guilt and fear

Christians have the cross, and must use it in order to surrender their loved ones there. The cross is also important for the loves ones to repent, and to overcome guilt and fear. While the loved ones have become desperate for the addict to remember who God is, they themselves have forgotten many key principles of the kingdom.

It’s all about choices. The addict continues to make the choice to continue with their behavior. When loved ones are engaged in enabling and co-dependent behavior, all of their choices are in response to the addict’s behavior. To stop the cycle, it then becomes necessary for the loved ones to make new choices, based on biblical faith and the reality of the situation.

Here are 5 initial steps loved ones need to take when they’re ready to change their co-dependent lifestyle:

1.      Admit they are in over their heads and need God to take over completely.

2.      Commit to the process of change, knowing that it will be extremely difficult and painful. In fact, be willing to die to yourself over and over again.

3.      Choose to set new boundaries. These can be as small as not accepting phone calls when the loved one is high, or not giving money no matter the level of guilt or fear.

4.      Talk with the addict. Tell them about the new boundary. For example: “You are making the choice to continue in your addiction, and now I am making my own choices. I will no longer give you money, no matter what. If you ask, I will answer with ‘My choice is to not give you money as long as you are addicted.’”

5.      Fight the spiritual battle for yourself first, then for the loved one. (A wounded soldier must get well in order to return to the front lines.)

If you are a loved one in need of help, you will find more articles here on www.thesolidrockroad.comhttp://www.thesolidrockroad.com/. You can also send an email to thesolidrockroad@gmail.com or call 541-778-8680. You can also find my Christian recovery book on Amazon.com titled "Follow The Solid Rock Road: Pathway to Radical Recovery."

The Best Way to Get Clean and Sober: Christian Recovery

The best way to get clean and sober is to commit to doing whatever it takes to get set free. Sometimes this requires that you white knuckle your way to sobriety. This is how I did it. I knew that God was with me and I drew on His strength, but I admit that it wasn’t easy. However, I was absolutely dedicated to changing my life and I would have done anything necessary to stop the insanity of addiction. I battled and won!

Sometimes God will deliver you from your addictions. This is what happened to my husband Jerry. Once he made the commitment to God that he would quit using drugs and alcohol, he never again craved it, nor did he have any withdrawal symptoms. One day he was using and the next day he was over it.

I have observed that most addicts cry out to God for deliverance, hoping that there is no suffering. But I believe getting clean and sober is different for everyone because there are lessons that each addict must learn on their way to sobriety. And by the way, there is a common denominator for remaining clean and sober! That is, service to God and others. You must go from being a taker to a giver. You must spend your time considering the needs of others before thinking about your own.

Jesus advocated and practiced self-denial, which is the true essence of love. In the midst of rejection and persecution, Jesus served, proving that love prevails in any circumstance.

How often do you deny your personal needs for the sake of others? How much of yourself do you willingly give? These are good questions to ask yourself, especially if you are in the midst of your addiction.

Addiction is selfish. It’s all about serving the desires of your mind and body, no matter the cost to others. If you’re addicted, you will spend money you don’t have, you will disappoint those you love, and you will take risks that you shouldn’t take.

Today, look outside of yourself for a moment. Take your mind off your cravings long enough to see the world around you. Do your children need your attention and your love? Is your spouse suffering? Do your friends need your support?

If you can see past your addictions, then reach out to someone who can help you get sober. Make the commitment and do whatever it takes to resist temptation. Call on God to help and He will help you, but don’t expect Him to do it your way. Accept that God is in control, and be willing to learn whatever lesson He has planned on your way to sobriety. This is how radical transformation takes place.

To learn more about radical transformation, visit www.thesolidrockroad.com. You can also read my book “Follow The Solid Rock Road: Pathway to Radical Recovery.”

Christian Recovery: Why Can’t I Quit My Addictions?

Over the years, we have had many Christians in addiction ask us the question, “Why can’t I quit drinking?” or “Why can’t I quit using drugs?” Many of these people are questioning God because He has not delivered them from their addictions.

Our answer is always the same. God gets to choose how He works with us. He has his reasons, and His lessons for each one of us. In some cases, he instantly delivers a person out of addictions. This is what happened to my husband Jerry. One night while Jerry was in the midst of his addiction and at his bottom, he had a battle with an angel or God who kept telling him to go home to his wife and get right with Him. He refused at first, but several hours into the experience, Jerry gave in and said, “Okay. I will do it.” He fell right asleep and the next morning, everything was different. The world looked like a beautiful place and he had peace in his heart. From that point on, Jerry never drank or did drugs again. And even better, he has never once had a craving. Now, eightenn years later, Jerry is the senior pastor at Destino Cristiano, a bilingual Christian church in La Paz, Mexico.

While many people say that Jerry was lucky, I say that he became completely surrendered, and this is what brought about his deliverance. It was a blessing to be delivered and Jerry has always been grateful for that gift. But he has learned the value of deliverance and preaches about holding onto it with everything he has. "Never take deliverance for granted" is his motto.

My story is much different. I was not delivered from my addiction to alcohol, even though I begged God to take my cravings from me every day. Looking back, I understand that God set a specific path for me to follow. My journey of recovery was all about using the strength of God to get me through. At the time, Jerry was still an addict, and he had alcohol in the house every day. I would open the refrigerator and there it was, staring at me in the face. But I asked God to give me strength, and He did. I continually quoted the Scripture, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” (Phil. 4:13)

Everyone in Christ has the ability to get set free. Some, like me, must suffer to get there, and this is where addicts often fail. They refuse to endure withdrawals and temptations, or claim they just can’t. Of course we are weak, but this is when God loves to show up. “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness.” (2 Cor. 12:9)

So in answer to the question, “Why can’t I Quit My Addictions?” I say, you can, if you are willing to do what God wants you to do, and if your path is like mine, to truly suffer all the way to the cross. Remember, Christ suffered for you. He suffered so you could be set free. He suffered and died, but then he rose again in a resurrected life, and that’s what can happen for you if you follow the model of Jesus. You suffer and you die to yourself, so that you can be a new creation in Christ.

If you want to connect with me, write to TheSolidRockRoad@gmail.com or call 541-778-8680. You can also visit the website at www.thesolidrockroad.com. You can also find my book on Amazon. Click here to check out Follow The Solid Rock Road: Pathway to Radical Recovery.