Christian Intervention: How to Overcome Co-Dependency

Many Christians with loved ones struggling with addiction want to have faith, but instead, they are sick with worry. This worry becomes sin, and like all sin, it grows and takes on a life of its own until the loved one of the addict is consumed by it. Once consumed, the loved one is fully engaged in enabling and co-dependent behaviors, resulting in a cycle of insanity that’s nearly as dangerous as the addict’s.

Loved ones who have become enablers and co-dependents become highly emotional and extremely confused. They are emotional because they carry the burden of the addict and are entangled in their chaos. Loved ones believe it is their duty to fix the problem and to save the addicts from themselves. They are confused because of the lies they are constantly told and the schemes the addict makes them part of. As a result, the loved one is desperate and carries a heavy weight of guilt and fear.

Parents and spouses of addicts suffer from guilt in relation to their loved ones. This is true for those parents who have a personal history of addiction, and even parents who have raised their children in the church. It’s true for spouses who once partied with the addict, and it’s the case for the Christian spouse who has never tasted alcohol or tried drugs. In other words, guilt doesn’t play favorites.

Guilt is defined as “a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.” It’s no wonder the addict and the devil use guilt to manipulate and entangle God’s people. A few examples of real and perceived guilt by the loved ones of addicts include the following:

·         A single mother regrets not having a father in the life of her child. The addict works on the sympathies of the mother, who then tends to make excuses for the addict’s behavior.

·         A wife feels as though she could have done more for her addicted husband. The husband makes sure his wife feels like she was too much of a nag, too focused on the children, a bad house keeper, unable to satisfy his needs and so on.

·         A husband believes he has failed his wife because he has been unable to fix her addiction problem. The wife piles on the guilt with all the different ways he has failed her as a husband -- Not spiritual enough, loving enough, manly enough, financially stable enough and unable to understand her.

Addicts are notorious for making their loved ones believe they aren’t doing enough when they are actually doing too much. This kind of manipulation results in the loved one accepting the guilt, carrying the burdens, and doing more than they should. Thus, the never-ending cycle begins and keeps going as the addict takes and takes and takes, while the loved one gives and gives and gives.

Fear is another emotion that drives the loved ones of addicts. They are fearful that their loved ones will lose their jobs, lose their families, become homeless, have accidents, overdose or die. While these fears are well-founded based on the dangerous activities and self-destructive habits of an addict, fear should not be allowed to control the choices and behaviors of the loved ones.

Addicts understand how fearful their loved ones are and become experts at using fear to get what they want, which is their drug of choice. For example, the addict will ask for money, the loved one says no, so the addict says that if they don’t get the money, they will be homeless, they won’t have food for their family, they won’t have gas to get to work and will lose their job, and so on. Since the addicts know what the loved one is most concerned about, they will use it to their advantage.

How to stop the cycle of guilt and fear

Christians have the cross, and must use it in order to surrender their loved ones there. The cross is also important for the loves ones to repent, and to overcome guilt and fear. While the loved ones have become desperate for the addict to remember who God is, they themselves have forgotten many key principles of the kingdom.

It’s all about choices. The addict continues to make the choice to continue with their behavior. When loved ones are engaged in enabling and co-dependent behavior, all of their choices are in response to the addict’s behavior. To stop the cycle, it then becomes necessary for the loved ones to make new choices, based on biblical faith and the reality of the situation.

Here are 5 initial steps loved ones need to take when they’re ready to change their co-dependent lifestyle:

1.      Admit they are in over their heads and need God to take over completely.

2.      Commit to the process of change, knowing that it will be extremely difficult and painful. In fact, be willing to die to yourself over and over again.

3.      Choose to set new boundaries. These can be as small as not accepting phone calls when the loved one is high, or not giving money no matter the level of guilt or fear.

4.      Talk with the addict. Tell them about the new boundary. For example: “You are making the choice to continue in your addiction, and now I am making my own choices. I will no longer give you money, no matter what. If you ask, I will answer with ‘My choice is to not give you money as long as you are addicted.’”

5.      Fight the spiritual battle for yourself first, then for the loved one. (A wounded soldier must get well in order to return to the front lines.)

If you are a loved one in need of help, you will find more articles here on www.thesolidrockroad.comhttp://www.thesolidrockroad.com/. You can also send an email to thesolidrockroad@gmail.com or call 541-778-8680. You can also find my Christian recovery book on Amazon.com titled "Follow The Solid Rock Road: Pathway to Radical Recovery."

Christian Recovery: Are you Addicted to the Addict?

If there’s one thing we know for sure when it comes to Christians in addiction, it’s that their lives don’t glorify God. In fact, so much about their lives are opposite of what’s described as godly in the Bible. For example, the Scriptures about the fruits of the Spirit (Gal. 5:22-23) talk about having love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. The addict doesn’t enjoy any of these fruits. In many cases, the loved ones of the addict aren’t enjoying them either.

When Christians continually choose alcohol or their drug of choice over God and the well-being of their loved ones, they are allowing Satan to operate as their master, thereby engaging the works of the flesh. Galatians 5:19-21 presents a list of these very negative behaviors, and makes it clear that “that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.”

While the life of an addict is crazy and filled with chaos, the loved ones usually find themselves in the center of the insanity right along with them. In most cases, family and friends get so caught up trying to save the addict, their behavior turns sinful because a ‘messianic complex’ doesn’t make room for God.

The following are the top 10 ways to tell if you or someone you know is addicted to the addict:

1.       You are obsessed with all aspects of the addict’s life.

2.       You believe you have the solution for the problem, and when one solution doesn’t work, you look for another.

3.       You live in fear. Fear of what the addict will do or won’t do.

4.       You lie to yourself. You know the addict is lying to you, but you accept the lies, thus lying to yourself.

5.       Your life is unbalanced. It’s up and down according to the actions and behaviors of the addict.

6.       You isolate, thus becoming like the addict. You stop living YOUR life.

7.       You are in the midst of a cycle. You keep doing what has proven not to work.

8.       You carry the addicts’ burdens for them, thereby saving them from suffering their own consequences.

9.       The addict is living the life they choose. You are living your live based on those choices.

10.   You are unable to properly function in your job, your family, your ministry and in other relationships.

The Solid Rock Road Christian recovery program is not only a resource for Christians seeking freedom from addictions, it is also a resource for the loved ones of addicts who become enmeshed in the problem. To learn more about how the recovery team can help, visit the website at www.thesolidrockroad.com. You can also find us on Twitter and Facebook.

You can also find our RECOVERY BOOK on Amazon.com "Follow The Solid Rock Road: Pathway to Radical Recovery." 

Christian Intervention: When Someone You Love is Addicted

Many Christians in addiction attend church regularly while others have quit going to church altogether. Some have completely turned their backs on God and rejected the practices of responsibility and personal accountability.

Whether functioning in the world and in church or moving into total dysfunction, Christians who actively abuse drugs and/or alcohol are selfish and create real problems for themselves and everyone in their sphere of influence. While they get what they want at any cost, their close friends and family members worry about the addict’s health, safety and spirituality.

As a counselor for both the addicted and their families, I’ve taken note that the addicted are overly concerned about getting high, and their loved ones (codependents) are overly concerned about getting them well. Both are obsessed. Both need freedom. Therefore, there’s a dire need for Christian intervention strategies.

It’s true that faith is necessary when dealing with those in addictions, but faith alone may not be enough as many have discovered. Praying for years while the addict continues destroying the family and bringing in darkness may seem like the only answer, but it’s not.  In fact, The Solid Rock Road team believes that at some point, families and friends of the addicted have to set boundaries and take very bold steps to ensure that addiction is no longer part of their lives. The following Scripture in James 2:20-24 provides Biblical back-up for this philosophy:

“You foolish person, do you want evidence that faith without deeds is useless?  Was not our father Abraham considered righteous for what he did when he offered his son Isaac on the altar? You see that his faith and his actions were working together, and his faith was made complete by what he did. And the scripture was fulfilled that says, “Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness,” and he was called God’s friend. You see that a person is considered righteous by what they do and not by faith alone.” 

So what does this mean for the loved ones of the addicted? It means that you must combine your prayers and your faith with real action. This often requires that you create a crisis – not for yourselves, but for the Christian in addiction. It's the same challenge that Abraham faced. Will you put your loved one on the altar, not knowing the results, but trusting God for the outcome? 

Will you do the hard thing? Will you act in a godly and Biblical manner in order to allow God to be God? For now, pray and ask God to open your eyes, and surrender your loved one into the mighty hand of the Creator!

Check out our website at www.thesolidrockroad.com. You can also follow The Solid Rock Road recovery program in Oregon on Facebook and Twitter.

A Note from the Director of the Solid Rock Road

After nine years in the Christian recovery ministry, I’ve made some observations about the addicts and their families. Here’s a brief summary:

The addicts
As a former addict who was delivered by the power of God, I wonder a lot about why Christians continue to struggle with addictions. Years ago, Pastor Steve Schmelzer asked this question during one of his sermons: “Do you want to know who makes it out of addictions and who doesn’t?” Of course I wanted to know, as did the rest of the congregation. He answered it so simply. “The givers make it, the takers don’t.”

That has stuck with me, and it has proven to be true. The goal of all Christians is to live an unselfish, service-filled life. That’s why the 10th Principal of The Solid Rock Road is “Serve God and others.” If you’re all about yourself, you can’t be all about God. Therefore, freedom from addictions comes when Christians put a stop to their lusts and start to put the needs of others in front of their own.

The families of the Addicts
Denial runs rampant in addicts, but it is also prevalent with their Christian families. In faith, they pray and believe that their loved ones will win the spiritual battle and get set free. Faith is necessary, and as the director of The Solid Rock Road, I count on it a lot. However, there comes a time when the loved ones are working harder on sobriety than the addicts. At this point, they become codependent and can often get in the way of what God is trying to do.

We have a heart for the families of addicts, but we are often in a position of counseling them to do the hard thing, which is to take their loved one to the cross and leave them there. This is grueling because it often means families have to step aside and watch as their loved ones hit bottom.

But isn’t that what happened in the story of the Prodigal Son? The father let the son make his choices. He didn't chase the son down, nor did he devise 101 ways to keep his son from blowing it. Most importantly, the father didn't bring groceries to the pig pen so that his son could eat. Instead, the father lived his life and waited for the son to come back to his senses, and then back home. Of course, there was a feast waiting for the humbled and repentant son.

The Bottom Line
God is in the deliverance, healing, restoring business, but God won’t supersede the will of man. Christians in addiction have rejected the ways of God in favor of their own lusts. The Solid Rock Road team can’t change a person’s mind, but we offer the truth in love and the principles necessary to win the spiritual battle.

If you or your loved one has been taken captive by addictions or you have found yourself in the midst of codependent behaviors, we offer guidance and help with our ministry and book. Visit www.thesolidrockroad.com, or follow us on Twitter and Facebook. You can also call me (Jerry Pineda, Sr.) directly at 541-778-8680.